September 2010
I have now been in CapCorps for one entire month, and it has provided me with many new experiences. Looking back on it now, I realize how difficult it was to let go and trust, which is a lesson that I am still continuing to learn. When my grandma and grandpa and Doug and Joan left me at St. Conrad's in Milwaukee, all I wanted to do is to cling to the van and go back to Nebraska with them because they were security, the familiar, the family, which I knew I had to let go of.
Then came orientation, where fourteen strangers from all over the United States came together and bonded, paved many great and lasting friendships, and became family. I had to eventually let go as everyone left eachother to move to their repective service sites. Milwaukee and St. Conrad's at that time became my new home, which I had to leave behind, to make the biggest transition I have had so far in my life--moving to Peru.
This new experience of Peru has already been one of many transitions and challenges. Although race and ethnic classifications are superficial and lead to steretyping, I have had to come to the realization that I am a "minority" here, which has been a completely new experience for me. Yes, I realized this fact before I moved here, but I have never lived this fact, which is true about many aspects in my life--I know much, but I lived little (ok, I am only 22).
Next, and probably the most difficult challenge thus far--the language. I have developed a metaphor for describing my experience of immersing myself in a new language: It is liking hanging from a cliff and not wanting to let go. English has been the language of my experiences so far in my life. I have had the experience of needing to let go of English, which here in Peru, is my security. To really learn Spanish and immerse myself in it, I will have to let go of the cliff which is English and inundate myself in Spanish. Thus far, I have eased my way into it and I am becoming more comfortable with speaking it, but as of now I have not completely let go, which has been and will continue to be extremely difficult.
I believe that the reason why I have been experiencing this difficulty with letting go of English is not because I lack the knowledge of Spanish, but because I am afraid to be humble. It has been so frustrating for me to let go of my pride and my desire to communicate myself as I would like. When I speak some people may laugh because I stumble over my words, or become frustrated because I take a long time to think about what I want to say, or because I say something that is completely incorrect, but I have realized that this is a part of the process. Jeanette and I have talked about how when you are in stressful situations or in situations that are most foreign to you, your true self shines most brightly, without any of the fasades that you may construct for yourself or how you project yourself into society--all of that crumbles away like a house built on sand. This has been difficult for me (I think it is, in fact, difficult for anyone), because our true self, which we want to hide from others, is usually our faults, our weaknesses, our insecurities. I believe that it is in this space, in these times, that we come to realize our true dependency on God. I have had this experience at least two times since I have arrived in Peru.
Ok, not only have I had to transition into a new culture and a new language, but also my entire life has been lived in a rural environment, from home to Conception, MO, and now I am living in a metropolis of approxiamately 8 million people (some say that there is more like 12 million people, whichever, it is inconsequential to what I want to say). I have had to make a big transition from the quiet, solitude of farm and monastery to the cacaphony , griminess, and chaos of big city Lima. So far my only repose has been to go for walks along the Malecon/beach where there are not many people and where I can get the sense of wide, open expanses. The other day (Monday or Tuesday), I was feeling homesick (I had missed my brother, Bill's, wedding, which was the cause of some depressive feelings) and needed to get away, and so Jeanette and I went for a walk along the beach. This definitely helped me in overcoming these feelings and letting go of things that I could not control. Sitting there on the beach meditating and praying definitely helped me get a grasp on this entire sitaution and where I have been and where I am going.
(Also, as we were sitting on the rocky beach looking out over the foggy horizon, I saw a small fishing boat, all alone bobbing up and down with the waves. Is was interesting to look at and wonder who was in there and the story of that solitary boat (it reminded me of The Old Man and the Sea)).
October 2010
I have now been working at La Ciudad for one month, and this month has definitely given its fair share of new experiences. I will begin by describing so of the highs and lows of this first month. I think that it is best to begin with lows and to end on a positive note.
Lows: The first week here was extremely difficult for me, and I felt ready to quit and go home. I did not feel welcomed and felt that many people did not want to talk to me. There was also the physical exhaustion that pouring cement in the schools amphitheater caused my body. Not being able to communicate myself like I would want is still a source of frustration. Because they are teenage boys, they don’t necessarily enjoy working, which means that they can be rather lazy during their work time, which is very frustrating.
Highs: Connecting with the boys in my pabellon (the house where the boys live and where I work. Its patron is San Felix), has been a source of great joy. I am starting to enjoy the manual labor of pouring cement and the exercise it provides my body. Helping with the talent night and seeing the boys perform and show off their talents has been entertaining to see. Seeing the ways in which the boys will attempt to dodge work is entertaining. Helping in the bakery, making paneton and turron (sweet bread and a cookie dessert covered in honey and hard candies) was very enjoyable, and I also met some great people. All the great people that I have met in this past month have been overwhelming, exhausting, joy-filled, and energizing!
The main street in La Ciudad de los Ninos
The chapel
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